Please note that this is intended to be tongue and cheek….

Beginning in 2016, all Americans will be required to have an automobile.  Technically called the ACA- Automobile and Car Act – ObamaCAR will guarantee affordable transportation to all Americans.  “After all, if you don’t have a car, you can’t get to work.  If you can’t work you can’t pay my salary,” one administration official was quoted as saying (off the record).

Here is how it works:  You have to have a car, and if you cannot afford one, you will be fined 1% of your income, even if you don’t have any income, because you don’t have a car to get to work.

If you earn less than $44,000 as a single, you will be entitled to a subsidy.  The government will pay for the monthly payment, at the Silver KIA level.  You can “buy up” to the Gold Cadillac or the Platinum Mercedes level for additional expense.  For those under 30, a Moped is available, but you have to provide your own helmet.

For families of 5 or more, a special “WallyWagon” level will provide you with the wood-paneled minivan of your choice.

There will no longer be any pre-existing exclusions to owning an automobile.  It won’t matter if you are in jail, blind, have 12 DWI’s, filed for bankruptcy on Tuesday, or homeless.  Everyone is required to have a car.

“…and, our commitment to you,” said the spokesman, “is that you can keep your car if you like it.”  However, certain Minimum Accessory Requirements have to be met.  All cars must get more than 30 miles per gallon, City, and have enough torque to pull a 4000 pound trailer.  Heated seats and mirrors are required for safety.  “As long as you meet these simple minimum requirements, you can keep your car.”

American Indians with horses, Alaskan Eskimos with Dog Teams, and anyone living on an island with less than 500 people will be exempt.  Those over 75 will get the new MediCAR, where free transportation will be provided, and we will take your car away and give it to someone who can actually see from behind the wheel.

Employers with more than 50 employees must provide either automobiles or free CARpool transportation to all employees beginning 2016.  In Massachusetts, employers must also provide a fuel card to cover gasoline.  In California, any person who applies for a job, even if not hired, is required to be lent an electric car for a period not to exceed 90 days, or the next time they apply for work at any employer, whichever comes first.

Employers that do not comply can choose to pay a $3000 fine per year per person, or decrease all employee wages below the subsidy levels, thus allowing them to get a car.

Business Owners that have a car valued at more than $50,000, a helicopter, Pullmann car or a private plane of any type will be required to pay the “CadiJET Tax” – a surcharge of 10% of the value they received above and beyond the value normally received at the Silver KIA level.   As an example, the value of the Learjet ($7,800,000) – the value of the KIA ($10,000) = an excess value of $7,790,000.  That is spread over the life of the plane (10 years = $779,000) and you would pay a 10% tax ($77,900 a year) for the abusive non-green technology you have chosen.

“The ACA will provide affordable, employer-sponsored transportation to many Americans, and guarantee affordable access to all Americans regardless of their checkered past.  This bill will also pay for itself, between the employer penalties, reduction in greenhouse gases, CadiJET taxes, and individual mandates.  It is expected that  the parents of 16 year olds  will prefer to purchase a car on the exchange, rather than pay the 1% penalty on their childrens allowances.”

To Apply for your ACA benefits, simply go on the website healthCAR.gov which should be running no later than June 2019.